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It Is My Job To Exist As...

...a shining beacon of hope in the heartland


By: Juli Eklund

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Wednesday, 27-Oct-2004 00:00 Email | Share | Bookmark
It's raining, it's pouring!

Gather your ingredients
Use caution with sharp objects
Ready to bake
I need a medic. Where's Sean when I need him?
Extra apple slices make a nice personal tart
Tigger and Pooh are ready to feast!
Which makes it perfect weather to get off my butt and bake a pie with those wonderful, fresh-picked apples I brought back from Wisconsin.

6 cups sliced apples
1 cup sugar
2 tablespoons flour
1 tablespoon cinnamon (ok, the recipe said teaspoon, but I like cinnamon)
1 tablespoon butter
Pastry for double crust pie (store bought, my homemade always comes out tough)
1 tube neosporin ointment
1 band-aid brand wound dressing

Set store bought pastry aside to thaw.

Peel and core apples. Slice apples taking care not to include the tips of fingers and/or thumbs. Apply neosporin and band-aid(s) to cut(s). Discard skin flaps.

Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees. Yes now. That's why they call it pre-heating.

Dump sugar, flour and cinnamon on apples. Mix well. No, I did not pre-mix the dry ingredients. Sue me.

Dump apple mixture into one of the thawed pie crusts, preferably the one you left in the pie tin. Gently try to flatten pastry for pie top without ripping it. Roll pastry into ball and beat into submission with rolling pin when you are unable to flatten pastry without ripping it.

Cut vent holes in the top pastry with a pizza cutter. (Yes, the goal is to dirty as many utensils as possible so the knife you used to peel, core, and slice the apples will not do) Try to apply pastry to top of pie without ripping it. Rip pastry when you lift it back up as you remember that you forgot to moisten the edge of the bottom pastry with water before applying the top. Use overhang pastry to patch rips in crust. Wrap edge of pie with tinfoil to keep it from carbonizing. Cram butter into vent holes because you forgot to "dot butter on top of apple mixture" before putting the top crust on.

Cook for 25 minutes at 375 degrees. Remove foil taking care not to hit your arm on the side of the hot oven. Apply neosporin to burn but DO NOT COVER. Never cover a burn. Continue cooking pie for another 20 to 25 minutes or until crust is the exact shade of brown like Benjamin Moore Paints Golden Bark which is a lovely golden brown.

Cool pie on rack.

Serving suggestions: A plate and fork do nicely, but you can eat with your hands if you insist. Some people like ice cream, some like cheddar cheese. Whatever floats your boat...

It's not a good pie unless you put some of yourself into it!! Looking at your photos has made me soooo hungry for a nice slice. With ice cream!!!! Tue 26-Oct-2004 18:17
Posted by:Will Burnham will@burnham-down-the-house.net  - [Link]
Maybe my diet can wait until tomorrow.. Tue 26-Oct-2004 19:46
Posted by:Lance lanceoak@hotmail.com  - [Link]
Ouch...that hurts....but the food looks delicious!!! Tue 26-Oct-2004 22:54
Posted by:Steve Troy  - [Link]
can i have some please Wed 27-Oct-2004 13:10
Posted by:mark  - [Link]
Your monologue is hilarious (because I read every word)! And as for the serving suggestion -- I saw another way to serve it in the movie American Pie but like you said, whatever floats your boat.... Wed 27-Oct-2004 14:58
Posted by:JP Harr  - [Link]
Not long ago, I was slicing a whole mess of veggies with my favorite knife, my Chicago Cutlery chef's cleaver. The method I use for slicing and dicing is to hold the handle way up close to the blade, with my forefinger and thumb actually gripping the blade, then with a rocking motion of the knife, I forward the to-be-chopped veggies into this me-powered slicing machine. Anyway, I got to the carrots and was going like a madman, thinking about something else, and suddenly, painlessly, I sliced off a 1/16 inch of my left thumb and a sliver of thumbnail....
Hey! Where's everybody going? Let me show you!!
(It healed up just fine, unlike my right index finger, which I sorta damaged in the output chute of the industrial chipper / shredder I rented once.)
Wed 27-Oct-2004 15:04
Posted by:JP Harr  - [Link]
Nice looking food alright... Thu 28-Oct-2004 13:04
Posted by:jeff@ambig jefraz@time.net.my  - [Link]
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!! Thu 25-Nov-2004 04:29
Posted by:sherle webgoddess@gmail.com  - [Link]


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